Tammie stared unseeingly at the white pills sitting against each other in her right palm, her eyes were puffy and her hair was disheveled, they stuck out in every direction. She looked like an upcoming mental patient she was indeed going crazy, the event leading to her events leading to her present situation was one that would forever scar her for life that was if she somehow lived through today. 

    She was seventeen and already had her whole life planned out, okay, maybe not whole, but she surely had some plans. Get her first degree in petroleum engineering, proceed for her masters and Ph.D, all within the space of eight years and oh yeah, getting married somewhere along the way! But right now it seemed all the plans were out the window, her life came to an abrupt halt about a week ago. She felt those plans slipping away from her faster than jelly. 

   She had wished fervently everyday for this to be a nightmare, she wished someone or something say a genie would appear to her and grant her just one wish, she would have wished that time be turned back to the particular moment her stupid fate was sealed, but alas, tine lost could not be regained. She wished that callous Jimi never came form London. 

  It was the yuletide season when almost everyone would go to their various country homes to spend the festive period with their friends and family. Jimi was her cousin, he was the first son of her father’s elder sister and they resided in London. Jimi and his sister, Sepha, had come home for the Christmas and new year break, their mom wanted them to get familiar with the other children in the family because they had never visited Nigeria before. 

   Jimi was incredibly handsome. She had seen pictures of him and his sister but none did justice to the true measure of his beauty. She almost dropped to her knees when she saw him at the airport and when he had made to hug her it had been so awkward because she couldn’t afford to be so close to him. Through out the first week she did everything humanly possible for them not to be alone at home because she didn’t trust herself she wouldn’t even look into his eyes when conversing, she was afraid he would see the feelings and the insane attraction to him. The feelings were foreign to her and she didn’t understand why she had to fall for her cousin of all the guys in the whole wide world. She consoled herself with the thoughts of them leaving soon. The feelings would definitely vanish once he was back in London, yes! 

  She slapped herself mentally plenty of times and constantly reminded herself that he was her cousin and a ‘no go’ area written in caps! At times he would smile at her, sometimes it was a half smile but it still had the same effect on her and he would try center the conversation around her. This gave a her the most tiny inclination that perhaps he was attracted to her like she was to him after all she was beautiful and had a nice shape. 

   She got her confirmation one day in the second week of Jimi and Sepha’s stay. Her parents were out leaving her and the siblings who were both sleeping,  she was tired of staying in her room so she grabbed her sketchbook and a pencil and went to the living room. She had been there for quite some time when she heard a door open and close then approaching footsteps, she concentrated on her sketch and tried as much as possible not to look because she knew who it was. She however was startled when Jimi sank into the space beside her on the double settee and mumbled something like what’s up ?

  She became overly conscious as her heart beat increased not in fear but in excitement. Why did he choose to sit with her of all the available seats in the living room? She wondered, the pencil she was using fell a few times from her hand to show her uneasiness and to make matters worse he wasn’t saying anything to her,  he just sat down there obviously enjoying seeing her pencil fall. He knew very well the effect he had on her and was just sitting down there feeling like some god. 

  She slammed her sketchbook close and stood to rush into her room to avoid further embarrassment. She was shocked when Jimi’s arm shot out and caught hers causing her to stop, he rose up. 

  “Not so fast, Tammie what is wrong with you? Why have you been this way towards me?”

What could she say now? “Oh, I am sorry but I think I have fallen for you and can’t just handle being around you….” No way! 

“I see you always struggling with yourself whenever you are around me,” he continued. 

The words felt like bait. “Really? Am I that plain?” she thought. She wished she could somehow disappear. It was nothing when only she was aware of her feelings for Jimi but him knowing about it and reading her like an open book? She felt so embarrassed. Does every other person in this house know? 

 “Tammie I am your cousin remember?”

Why did he say that? 

“Well, thank you for reminding me of that very important fact.”  She replied as she finally found her voice. He was still holding her and it took all her strength not to draw closer to him for a taste of that…. She slapped herself mentally to regain her mushy senses. 

  “Can I kiss you?” he asked staring at her lips. “You are so beautiful.” He added. 

She almost went crazy at that moment. He feels it! He feels it!! He feels it too!!!.... Just kiss me already idiot! Don’t bother asking… And before either of them could stop to think of what was about to happen their lips met. He felt like fire and water at the same time, the flames burning her and the water dousing it, soothing her. Just as their kiss deepened something clattered to the ground, it was her sketchbook and pencil and the noise made them jump apart. 

She kissed her cousin God no! She ran into her room and locked the door. She was grateful Sepha didn’t sleep in her room or else she would be asking if she saw a ghost because she looked exactly like she had just seen one. Although she and Jimi didn’t finish what they started that day they did a day to Sepha and Jimi’s departure. 

   Almost three months later, Tammie sat on the floor in her room staring down unbelievably at the home pregnancy test strip in her hand. The two lines were visible which indicated a positive result. 

  “No, no, no! This can’t be possible it was just once and he didn’t ejaculate inside me or did he? He told me he didn’t!” she talked to herself as she tossed it aside. “it’s definitely invalid,” she told herself something was wrong with the test strip. She hurriedly tore another one and dipped the stick into the small container containing her urine, tears clouded her vision. Maybe she tampered wrongly with the first one and it gave a wrong result.

  As she waited for the result, she thought about her period. She had missed it twice in a row but didn’t think anything of it because her period ceased sometimes. It would come this month and wouldn’t the next and when she missed it in the last two months she thought it was just acting up as usual not until she started feeling sick and her body seemed to change. She informed a friend and that one advised her to get a PT done as soon as possible. 

  “But it can’t be that I am pregnant it was just once and he withdrew before he could… you know,” she cried. 

Her friend had laughed at her childishness and said, “Look Tammie, once is enough and a little drop of sperm is enough too.”

She checked the stick with a pounding heart and wasn’t too surprised when she saw the same result, positive. It was then the reality and graveness of her actions dawned on her, first she had had to deal and carry about the guilt of her going under the covers with her cousin and now she has a bigger problem. She was pregnant for her cousin! Someone she hasn’t even spoken to for the past two months.  

  “I am surely going to die.” She lamented as she cried her being out. Her hopes and dreams died that day. 

Her parents found out last week, it was her mom initially but because her mom was someone who couldn’t keep things to herself, her dad got to know before the day ended. She’s been under fire since then, none of them hit her but their actions and words did. Her parents had high hopes for her and even though her getting pregnant wasn’t the end of the world, it was the end of her own world especially when her parents learnt Jimi was responsible. A call was put through to Jimi who denied vehemently and that was when everything toppled over. Her dad kept screaming “You are a disgrace!” and her mom was just there probably still in shock. 

Tammie moved the pills in her palm, five pills in all, one thousand gram each making a total of five thousand. Yes, she was a disgrace, she had let her raging teenage hormones and lust take the best of her, she was a liar to her parents who didn’t believe her cousin impregnated her and she would put a end to their misery. To her own misery too. 

  It was late in the morning and that was why she chose this particular time. Her parents were away at work and when they came back later in the evening it would be to her corpse….