The tall guy tapped the microphone for the third time and all that echoed the room was an unwanted feedback. Darn it- I wasn’t even enjoying what the whole talk was about. I had a lot jotting down my heart and one way to keep my self away from murder was this class. I thought I was going to feel better. I thought someone was going to share my pain. I thought the world would not come down. 

 A week ago was me been a normal girl who could fill up any space without voices calling out to me from the darkness of my heart to jump down a cliff. I guess I had loved amiss.

I rubbed my thumb gently against my index finger and memories plugged through me. I was thrown on the edge of no return. All I saw was the yesterday I never wanted to remember. Even the devil had me warned against Felix. It wasn’t my fault not to have listened. He WAS TOO COOL TO BE DANGEROUS. But eventually he turned out to be. 

It came up in my head again and I loosed it all. My visuals went dull and I could not say were I was. All I saw was me reviewing the whole scene again. How he locked me up in chains last Saturday, claiming he had a surprise package for me as a birthday gift. How I said no, knowing the play was going to be rough. I told him I wanted to be free and his smile made me bones melt behind my skin. I had the door locked myself, knowing it was his house and I asked him to make me go behind a veil. He did that and all I got next was his breath burning against my neck. He was too close, I couldn’t guess what he was up to and when I tried to break free I was at the loosing edge he was ripping my blouse apart. Struggling was not going to save me this time, knowing no one was home. I felt like I was under a wide lion and… There a trickle of tear was finding it way down my cheek. 

“We would love to hear your experience, Jane.” The tall guy in with the microphone said. He passed the microphone and he watched it moved from hand to hand then finally he watched it get delivered to my hands. 

I got the mic never to reject it and I forced myself to let go of a weak smile. 

“ I am jane…” I began and soon I was letting every piece of me. I was screaming every part of my experience last Saturday that made me not myself. Questions kept coming and I kept providing my heart with meaningful answers. They were all the reasons why I was close to dangling down a almond tree. Felix took me lesser than what I was. Really! I did fall for it. Knowing I could not live without him he broke my hedge. I had sworn to no sex, never till I was going to get married. I already had enough in the past that was rich enough to birth everyone in  my whole street. But long before I met him. I decide I was going to have a change. But he ended up raping me!

I stopped talking and I could see tears dropping down everyone’s eyes. They all were feeling sober. My experience was the deepest. It was like I had them connected to my sensory organ and I was letting them in on every thing that had happened last saturday. 

The tall man had his mic back and it took him time to speak up. After so much lips moist and sight twist. He let me in on what he called magical feedback. It was indeed magical. He told me about strength and I did fell it. It ran across my vein like a bolt. He told me no woman is a sex slave and he told me I had the right to have sex with whosever I want to, likewise was I made known that I had the right to say no to whosever I want to. He told me It was my body and I can choose to withhold it from anybody. Finally he let the ash off when he told me my boyfriend or whosever it was that had it forcefully with me was not worth having more than forgiveness from me. Yes forgiveness. I was going to forgive Felix, if that would make me feel less pain. 

Sunday morning right after the

 10 o'clock mass I was standing outside close to the lawn reaching out to the rear of the church’s stairs. He sighted me and he smiled, coming closer. Ready to go in with his normal ritual of making me pleased after he has gone wrong. He began asking about how I felt. I told him I was fine and he offered to take me home. Just to show how much I had forgiven him I agreed to have a ride with him. Right in the car he brought it up again. He talked about how wrong he knew what happened last Saturday was. He asked for forgiveness and I went mute, saying not a word. He pulled up right few blocks away from my apartment, and as I was about to climb down, he reached out for my laps with his hands. It turned me on as he found a way to contact my skin and I surged the whole of my strength to get my brains out of my leg. I held his hands and I pulled him off. 

“I have forgiven you Felix.” 

“Really!” His eyes brighten. He moved his lips closer to my face and I pushed against his face with my palm. 

“I don’t think I can continue living my life with someone who cannot respect my decision." I said. 

“Don’t joke, love. What do you mean?”

“Felix, you shouldn’t have had sex with me outside my will. That is what I mean!” I retorted, and I was done talking. Before he could thinking of his sweet and brain washing word formula, I was out of his car for good. 

“Never call my line again.” I said, looking back at him. 

It looked like I joke till I missed his call for 6 straight months and I walked out of every chance he had to have a lonely time with me.  

 I wasn’t angry because he slept with me. I was mad because I didn’t choose to sleep with him. 

©Godwin Okhuoya